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January 29, 2012

Where Are You Going?

Where Are You Going?

Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Are you looking for answers
To questions under the stars?
~ Dave Matthews Band

Transitions are always interesting.

One of the things I love about living at the ocean is that it is the transition from land to sea – even though I see it nearly every day, I still get that feeling of awe like I am standing not just at the edge of the beach, but like I am standing at the edge of the world.

The coast is an obvious transition – waves crashing on sand, liquid against solid – it all clearly says “this is where things change.”

Transitions in our lives are not always so obvious. Sure, there are the big moments – a birth, a death, a move, a new job, a new relationship – but sometimes the most subtle changes are the most meaningful and we may only sense them as they pass by or in hindsight days, months or years later.

It is late January and I have been running for 7 months now. I have been trying to be acutely aware of if or how this experience is altering me – physically, mentally, emotionally. This new movement is not just about moving my body, it’s about moving things in my life, but in the beginning, that was not easy to see.

One thing I have not really known since I started to run is if I would simply wake up one day and not do it again – maybe it would hurt too much or just feel too hard. Maybe I would really hate it or just be bored. But that has not happened. In fact, I have run more than I ever thought I would.

The transition is subtle, but it has gone like this: I intend to run -> I am starting to run ->I am running.

I thought about this today (as I was running) and and asked what would be next?

The obvious answer that seems to present is that the next transition would be “I am a runner.”

So here is the question I ask (to you, to myself) – When you don’t really know where you are going, how do you know when you have arrived?

I stood and looked at the ocean. The truth is, when you get up close, the sea and the beach never actually meet in the same place twice. From far away, the transition from earth to water may look like a clean line, but when you stand right there, it is a constant moving target. You can’t ever know exactly where the line will be next.

Right now, that is how my running feels – like my relationship to it is shifting – but not in a clean linear way. It is moving but it is hard for me to say which way. What if “I am running” goes to “I am not running” or to something that today sounds crazy like “I am running a marathon”?

The thing is, when I ask the question, I get no answer. The only way to really know where I am going is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe if I am running, I just get there a little faster. And I just hope that someway, somehow, I recognize when I have arrived.

For now, here is to the journey.

Jacqueline

4 Comments

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  1. Lena
    January 30, 2012 at 12:02 am #

    Or…I am running the Bolder Boulder 😉

    • Jacqueline Jacques
      January 30, 2012 at 12:13 am #

      Is that something excruciating…

      • Lena
        January 30, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

        It’s a 10k done every Memorial Day, possibly the largest in the world with 50K participants. It runs right by our house. Perhaps an intermittent step between “I am running” and “I am running a marathon.”

        • Jacqueline Jacques
          January 30, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

          Really…that almost sounds do-able. Though that altitude is a bit of a killer. Hmmm…it’s a thought though (one I can’t believe I am having at this moment!)